Dear New Jersey State Senators: [January 07, 2010] unsentletters [fantumgrey] [ mood | angry ] ( You are about to view content that may not be appropriate for minors. ) 1/ read signals

[January 07, 2010] unsentletters [pepper_ann_gr] [ music | Never Ending Nightmare, Msg ] F... I don t have much to say. I think I m falling for you, and I can t do anything to stop it. I spent the last 15 days thinking about you, and not being able to see and touch you was just too painful to cope with. Today I saw you, I touched you and God, how can someone smell so wonderfully. I m getting addicted to your everything. You even got me an Xmas present. And it s a book of poems!! I...can t describe how I feel. I really can t. And they re love poems, amazing love poems.... I wish I could just tell you, just come and kiss you and tell you how much I care about you... But we re friends. Just friends. I m bisexual, you re straight to death. Why, God, Why? Couldn t she be MY girl. We fit, I know we do. But I m only a friend to her. Despite the love poems, despite the hugs. Despite I can t spend an hour without thinking about her. Despite I dream about her, and daydream, all day long. Despite I need her, I need to see her to be ok. Despite I miss her every minute. F, I think... I m in love with you. But it s alright, I ll survive... Just stay with me. As a friend. Just, I need you. And thank you. For being who you are... signals

[January 07, 2010] unsentletters [helplessfighter] G- You are amused by my company and you like that I am always there to hold you when you need comfort.  But who is there to hold me when I need comfort?  When I think of you in one of your other girl's arms, kissing her... how this makes me feel inside words will never be able to describe but I will try.  It is like my skin is too tight and my heart is too heavy and has claws and it is trying to rip its way out of my chest.  I feel like I just want to shriek at the top of my lungs and tear myself to pieces just to escape the torment of loving you.  If I am not enough for you why can't you just let me go?  I am just one of many so why can't you leave me alone?   I have known you for years.  For years you have been jerking me around.  You promise me love and faithfulness, you promise me what I most desire only to take it away and change your mind.  I wish your other girls did not hurt me this way.  I wish I didn't care who you fucked.  But I do.  I want you only with me.  I want to be enough but I am just one girl and one girl will never be enough for you. I am a good girl.  I am full of love and compassion and I don't know how to turn away the one I love.  Why do you insist on tearing me apart?  Letting you in my life always ends with me wanting to die.  I hate that about myself.  I hate how weak I am, how prone to depression my brain is.  If I could change these things about myself I would but how do I change the core of me??  You say you care for me but not enough to keep your dick out of other girls.  Not enough to respect me.  Not enough to even stay away for my own sake. Seven years I have lived with the torture of loving someone I can never have.  Seven years I have been destroying myself for your sake.  What have you done for me?  YOU are the cause of my most intense suffering.  You and your inability to love anyone other than yourself.   PLEASE never contact me again.  Understand that you are destroying all the happiness and hope and spirit inside of me and turning me into a whining sobbing mess of a person who only wants to escape this life to escape the pain of loving you.  I wish we had never met.  I hate loving you.  I hate myself for loving you.  I need to be free of you for good. Please. signals

[January 07, 2010] unsentletters [maybe_redundant] dear you, lately i wonder if you are in love with me and who i am-- or the idea of me. how much do you really know about my personality? what is it that you love? how well do you really know me? when was the last time we had a great conversation? what do you love talking to me about? i think for you it's just so much more simple. you're content with having someone to talk to before you go to sleep. lately i wonder if the reason i feel that i come out empty handed is because i give more than i receive, emotionally. i would have given anything, dropped nearly anything to talk to you or be with you. but finding out that you wouldn't do the same has made me feel rejected and bitter. and it's clouding my real feelings for you--my reasons for wanting this so badly. i've been thinking about it more and more lately and how confused i am. i don't understand how i can be having these doubts about us when i was so sure before that we were compatible and right for each other. i'm worried; i don't know what to do or how to tell you without this blowing out of proportion. karyn signals

Apryl, [January 06, 2010] unsentletters [g0thic_drag0n] [ mood | blah ] You will never receive this note as my intentions are to never have to deal with you ever again. However, there are several things I need to get off my chest as I think it will help me get you out completely. After almost a year of dropping you like a bad habit, you've suddenly started haunting my dreams, causing them to become nightmares. In each scenario, I have to tell you to go away and leave me the fuck alone. You always seem to be clueless or indifferent to the fact that you hurt me for no apparent reason. So, I will say what needs to be said and hopefully, your hauntings will leave me for good. First and foremost, you were a terrible friend. I was guilted into things I didn't want to do because you wanted to stay out late and party. You didn't know anybody out here since you'd just moved back into town, so I was your responsible person. Sure, it was fun at times, but I never appreciated the insults when I couldn't go out or wanted to go home because it was two in the morning. I'm not "useless" I just have my priorities straight. Second, you never would have met him without me. So, you're welcone you ungrateful, man stealing bitch. You knew I liked him and pursued him anyway, using any and all chances you got to make me look bad in front of him. I'm not stupid, I just refused to play your game. you are not as smart as you think you are. You may have gotten him, but you also got the drama. I was always happy when you bitched about your issues with him. It was then I realized you two deserved each other. I hope you're happy. Third, you wanted to meet people, so I introduced you to my friends. Turns out you were sneaking behind my back trying to take them too! I was pissed when James told me you kept telling them all those nasty things. Why were you trying to sleep with my friends when you already had John? Did you just have it out to hurt me when all I did was show you kindness? You are such a skank. The thing I really never understood is that you always bitched about this girl in HS who stole all your boyfriends. So why would you turn around and do the same thing to someone else? Luckily, James was too smart for that and relayed all your tactics and how he couldn't stand you. He wouldn't even give you his number and M stopped inviting you when we went over there! Take a hint! I'm tired of getting random texts and emails from you. You seemed to have gotten the message after the last one. Make sure you remember it. I'm truly happy without your drama in my life. I have good friends who don't backstab me. So okay, you got John. Big deal. I'm over his two-faced, lying ass. I'm irritated that you played the victim when I deleted you. You knew why. I don't need people like you in my life. Leave me alone so I don't have to deal with you in my dreams. Out of sight out of mind. Christina P.S. Enjoy your white-trash wedding signals

Stuck [January 06, 2010] unsentletters [sorryimsorry] Brandon, I'm stuck on this. You need to LET ME GO or LOVE ME FOR REAL. Seriously, I'm sick of the "no strings attached deal". You're the only person I've clicked with on something more than football. You makes me laugh. We can talk about anything and seem to finish each other's sentences. We make each other feel important, and we make each other happy.  Why would you turn away from something like this? Why would you go so far, trip me up, and then say, "I don't want to get involved in anything deep right now..."  Why, Brandon? Do you like having a girl hanging on your every word, without having to call her girlfriend? It's breaking my heart, because you KNOW what you're doing to me, and you KNOW I love you.  I just want the truth. Are you ever going to let this go somewhere, or do I need to walk away? TELL ME. Love, Me 2/ read signals

This is not a love letter. [January 06, 2010] unsentletters [jillianfish] Dear Zach, Or is it Zack? I really don't even know how you spell your name. We've not said 5 words to each other in our lives. And yet, I still feel guilty. Or maybe guilty isn't the right word. I guess I just want you to know that I know you exist. And I remember you. We met (and I use that word in the loosest way possible) in high school. Tenth grade psychology class. You sat a little behind and to the side of me. You were very very quiet. But very smart. I remember that. You were very smart and very quiet. You always wore khaki or navy slacks and a polo shirt. Clothes straight out of a school uniform store, even though our school never required uniforms. I used to see you walking home from school. I'm pretty sure you lived in those apartments next to the school- you know, the not-so-nice ones. After the class ended, we never spoke to each other again (not that we really spoke during class either). However, I started seeing you more and more. Mostly walking home from the library. You always had your CD player in your hand, with headphones on. Even in the era of iPods and cell phones with mp3 players, you still have an old school portable CD player. It's clear how much you love your music. You'll be walking down the sidewalk head banging, or singing along. You know people make fun of you for it and laugh at you but you don't give a damn. Please know that I think it's awesome. A couple years ago, when I was hanging out with a group of people who could have been known as "the assholes" collectively (and that would be a nice term) they started making fun of you. Making fun of the way you sang along to the music, the way you would stop in the middle of the sidewalk and shove your fist in the air during a particularly rousing song. They called you "walking boy" and sat around making fun of you for about ten minutes. Finally I had heard enough. "He has a name" I told them. They looked at me, shocked. Shocked that I would interrupt their fun, shocked that you were actually a person not just a personality. "He has a name. It's Zach. And he's probably smarter than all of you put together." I left after that. And rarely ever hung out with them again. I see you often now. You got a job at the grocery store near my apartment. I go in there and you're almost always there. Or I'll see you walking, on your way to work or on your way home from the library. Every single time I see you, I want to go up to you and say hi. Or offer you a ride to where ever it is you're going. I know you don't remember me, you've glanced at me before and there was no spark of recognition in your eyes. Tenth grade was a long time ago, and I've changed a lot since then. But I just want you to know that I remember you. I remember how quiet and smart you were, how shy you probably still are. I don't love you, I don't pine for you, I don't even know if I want to be friends with you. But I do want you to know I remember you. And no matter what anyone else says, I think you're pretty fucking awesome. I hope you become something amazing one day, .me. 17/ read signals

Dear Amanda, [January 06, 2010] unsentletters [psicorps] Thank you for breaking me for life, rubbing it in my face, then trying to be my friend....*then*..after I caught you cheating with the same ass who had a wife and kids and is old enough to be your dad.....I catch on you're seeing him again, so I asked you if you were Sarai...the word is now off his profile page....you said you didnt know what it meant. It is or was his name for you as you now openly can submit to him. Well congrats. You got exactly what you wanted. You wanted Sam, you got him. You wanted freedom to do as you wished, you got it. I can be honest here because some things you can't say when you care about someone. I'll never have a relationship or friendship with you ever again because I cant trust you... not after you broke and killed everything I was while you were playing and wanting Sam. I'll be civil. I'll be friends. But I'll have the instincts to torture to death that which he loves most....so I won't be coming to the tea parties. Oddly, apparently I'm not the only person who thinks he gives off the pedophile vibe. If you ever cared for me...you'd leave me alone. You say you do. You're so skilled at lying I can't believe anything so I believe nothing. I'll walk. I learned a great deal. I learned hate. I learned to appreciate those who do seem to care. Thank you for repeating my wife's pattern. You did a Mim after all. What hurts the worst is I have someone to love and cannot truly, thanks to you and Sam, but that's ok. I'm the one responsible in the end, not you. May Karma greatly bless you and may I live to see it. signals

the acceptance speech. [January 06, 2010] unsentletters [xadorkablex]  "she says that long ago she knew someone, but now he's gone. she doesn't need him."-the beatles dear...you, i feel like while this drags on and on, a never-ending cycle of looking away and awkward silences, you are swiftly becoming the story i can't bear to tell anymore. i feel resentful-but not so much because of anything you did. but because, out of all the millions of hearts walking this earth, i had to choose yours to be the one that ruined me. that streaked my sky like an earth-bound comet, whose sole purpose was the crash and burn in my atmosphere, blazing on its way down. leaving dents in my heart, scattering dust in my atmosphere so that it's hard to breathe without containing a part of you. and i can never tell you this. not simply because it'd be wrong to do so, but because i can never determine whether your looking away from me is indicative of indifference or constraint, like mine is. as i am painfully aware.  but if i could tell you this, i would let you know that regardless of how much or how little we've spoken over recent years; regardless of criticism or candor or pretending everything's great; regardless of distance and time and other faces and other hearts that aren't yours...there's a little door to my heart. it's tucked in the back so no one will recognize it. but it's shaped like you. over time, i've boarded it up, covering it with chains and nails and signs saying, "please don't enter, i just might break." but the sight of you disarms me-chink by chink, nail by nail, to the point that there's no denying your entry should you try the knob. but i don't think you'd ever want that key. i don't think you ever really did, you just never actually told me so. and so here i'm hanging on to the vain hope that somewhere in time, you'll change your mind. but you won't. i know that. i need to tell the little girl inside me to stop holding her breath, or else she'll hurt herself.  because i sit across the table from you now, and you are kind of cold and a little grumpy, but largely indifferent. not mean, just unenthused. there's no more laughing, there's no more well-wishing, there's no more hugs or long last looks to keep this thin little tether breathing between us anymore. you look at me from your place in the booth, sitting on the edge of the bench and careful not to put your legs too far under the table lest your feet bump mine-since when were we ever so afraid of a simple moment of human contact, when we used to share the most intimate sort? but there you sit, and you look at me from under your knit h&m hat  and see me fidgety and nervous, and must be thinking, "this is who she has always been. what a waste." but it wasn't always this way. you used to see hope and light and warmth when you'd look at me. and i don't garner that from you anymore. because this is simply who i am to other people; other people who don't know me and have never held me or held my heart. and while i wasn't looking, you became other people. and i hate it. i hate it more than you know.  and so you are not my friend. you are no longer the person i will always love a little (though let's face it, that's not going anywhere), or the person who will always love me a little. you are-to be cliche-the one who got away. and there's no getting you back, on any singular level. and here is the part where i accept it. the end of any lingering anger or hurt or denial or any perceived claim to who you are as a person. i accept (i think) that things between us will never be the same- but what's the same, anyway?; what i mean is that we won't be. anything. period. i accept that while those days will always have a warm home in my mind and heart and occupy a small chunk of my soul for the long run, they are indeed over-at least as far as we ever knew them. and i hate it. but i accept it. and now i'm moving on. in the meantime, in my heart i'll keep the idea that somewhere in the universe, on a planet identical to ours and oblivious to our existence, two people-one exactly like you, and one exactly like me-said totally different things, at different times, and made different decisions about how to love each other. and that somewhere, we're still together. even if it's not here, not now, not ever; and not that i'm ever cognizant of. and for now, that's enough. because i'd rather live with that delusion than feel anymore the way you made me feel today. i wish i were a better, stronger person, but i can't keep trying anymore. i can't keep admitting my affection to you when for all i know you might feel the same, but damned if you ever let me know. and meanwhile, while it hurts to look at you, it hurts to look at a world that is void of your face. and i can't make that choice. and damned if i ever tell you this. sincerely, eileen. signals

Religion isn't for everyone... [January 05, 2010] unsentletters [forestcats] Dear Roxanne, We have been friends for about 10 years now. It almost didn't happen from the start. You are Christian and I am not. You tried to get me to convert. I even went to one of your 'revivals' and my ass stayed glued to the chair. The plays presented were ridiculous showing that only white men were worthy of heaven, not women, or people of color. Last time I checked you were a woman but that apparently doesn't cause you to question. We came to the place where you said you could respect me but that you would still pray for me. I chose to believe that in the best of your world you wanted the best for me. I chose to not be insulted because of your choice to not respect my CHOICE to be Jewish. You believe that a guy who got nailed to some wood because he was a pain in the ass to the local bureaucrats and got himself dead this action forgives your being an asshat 2000 years later. Huh. This past year you broke up with a friend of yours for the past 16 years. In part because her son knocked up a girl in High School. Not your values. We can't be honest and discuss your own daughters 'sex-ting' because you have chosen to NOT believe it. The past 2 months I felt that you were dropping me as a friend as well. You have been a good friend in as much as I can share and bounce ideas off of you, but I couldn't change your choices. So anyway I reached out once again and we seem be doing ok, not 100% but I'm able to let lots of water under my bridge. But today when speaking with your X friend, who is still very hurt I learned that you have actually been praying against my most precious dreams to become a parent. You even prayed against our adopting. Is this your brand of Christianity, to pray for children to remain in orphanages rather than be reared as a Jew? Your belief is that God is so limited that only your club gets the benefits. Gotta say that amazing arrogance makes you look like an idiot. I'm not going to share what I have learned about you, with you. I will just view you as a very handicapped being. In the years ahead you will need my help, I most likely will make myself available because that is who I am. However I just don't believe I will be turning to you for emotional support, your insincerity and lies make it impossible. I don't have any value in your value system. 3/ read signals

Ready to talk, no one to listen! [January 05, 2010] unsentletters [himnskin] Dear anyone who will listen, For the first time in a couple of months I actually want to talk to somebody, and for the first time in a couple of months there seems to be nobody to talk to. My mind is so boggled down with everything, I don't even know where to begin I just have to get it out. I'm scared of moving into this apartment, not with myself but with Liz. The closer we get to it the more I think her and I won't make good roommates, I'm afraid she is going to be unreliable and have people I don't like over all the time. I'm afraid I'm going to be lonelier after we move in than I am now. Also, what the heck is up with all these guys from my past suddenly reappearing in my life. Yes I liked you 6 months to a 1 year ago, no I don't anymore, I have a life I've moved on you really aren't that amazing anyways. If I was so great why didn't you take your chance with me when you had it? Your loss don't make me feel guilty creep! I hate that time isn't infinite, I have so many freaking hobbies but between having a job and being in ministry its either sleep or don't and do everything else. Even if I had the time I would still have the same problem I do now, I want to do too much and I can't just completely devote myself to one thing and be good at it. Instead I do like a hundred different things, paint, write poetry/lyrics, play/'write music, crochet, sew, drama, sports, there is no way I will ever be good at one of those things if I continue to do all of them. I can't just pick one though, or even two, as a matter of fact I can't seem to want to stop doing any of them. But I loathe mediocrity, I have to devote myself to something so I can perfect that skill among the others. Among that frustration and others, I am continually feeling fatter and fatter every day, the more I work out, the more I don't eat, the fatter I feel. And ugly how could I forget how ugly I am becoming? Nothing seems to help, I find a new flaw every time I look at myself, sometimes I don't even have to look at myself and I still discover them. What would it feel like to beautiful, if I was would I still hate myself? Sadly I will never know, beauty doesn't appear you either have it or you don't, and I simply don't! signed this mediocre ugly girl 1/ read signals

[January 05, 2010] unsentletters [butterflydarlin] Dear Self, It's time to prove that you're worth a damn, and you know you can do it.  So just do it.  You have parents that love you, friends that love you, resources abounding.  Overcome the odds and show you are capable of success. That's all. 5/ read signals

I can't. [January 05, 2010] unsentletters [hydeysaur] [ mood | heartache ] Dear Dani, I'm pretty sure I don't know where this is going anymore. How can anyone be so disinterested in someone they "love"? Ever since you told me that, you seem even more distant... And I'm not talking about you living so far away... Is it because I didn't say it back? Or am I just reading too much into this? You didn't call on New Year's Eve... You didn't even send a stupid text message. My friends all called, no matter where they where. The only one missing was you. What can I do? Most days, I'm really a loss at what to do to make it better.. I know I get moody, and in result I don't want to be touched.. Hell, sometimes I don't even want to talk. Because you should know after three and a half years that these little stupid things mean a lot to me. When you can't even remember my birthday... It makes it really hard for me to believe that you care. I never ask you for anything but.... How can you give so little and expected to be loved? I'm clinically depressed Dani, I have been since around the time you last left. I've loved you so blindly for so many years. But for the first time I'm beginning to give up on you. Maybe we should stop whatever it is we're doing. It's not making either of us happy. It's not making me happy. I know I may ask a lot from you, but I think I deserve it. Maybe you just can't give me what I want. I don't want it to end this way... Yours, Hyde signals

To new beginnings... [January 04, 2010] unsentletters [finallyfree83] Dearest You, Writing has always been cathartic for me.  I used to write a lot.  I used to take pictures.  I used to be creative.  I used to feel accomplished.  I used to know where I was going, what I wanted and how I was going to get there.  I used to have goals, dreams, and I used to love myself.  I used to love lots of things.  I used to be able to find happiness and beauty even in the small things. I can't put my finger on when it happened, but somewhere along the way I lost myself.  I stopped doing the things I loved, things that made me happy, things that made me feel accomplished.  I began to base my happiness and self-worth on the opinions of others, particularly men.  Some time, some where, I had lost my way and in doing so, myself. I started searching for love.  The kind of love that makes your heart so full that you feel like you're going to explode.  I wanted love so bad that it became everything to me.  It consumed my thoughts and my life.  I stopped doing the things that made me happy because everytime I met someone that showed me the slightest bit of attention, I'd drop everything for them.  I would subconcsiously invest all my time, all my passion, everything I had to try to make them happy, to make them stay, because I believed that that was the only way I'd be happy.  If I had someone else ensuring my self-worth, there to make me feel loved then that's all that would matter and my faith in humanity would be restored.  I believed that was all I would ever need.  I believed that my confidence and self-worth depended on another's opinion.  I grew dependant of another's love and believed this dependecy would replace the need for my own. I did all the wrong things, made every relationship mistake imaginable.  I tried way too hard, I searched way too much, every day looking if  i'd find "the one" in the grocery store or around the corner.  I gave them everything they wanted,  did anything I could to feel that superficial sense of intimacy, to be held.  My security and my feeling of completeness depended on whether or not I had someone in my life, someone to hold me.  I rearranged my life so it would fit around theirs and I forgot who I really am.  There were strings and strings of relationships that only ever left me empty and alone, reinforcing my feelings of loneliness and leaving me to wonder what I had done wrong every time they ended.  Never understanding all the while that I was standing in my own way.  It was me who built this vicious cycle of tattered feelings and lonely nights but heart break after heart break, I plodded along never knowing why I couldn't find happiness in any of these relationships.  And it was because they were empty, and what's more, I was empty.  Never understanding that the happiness I needed to refind was my own and did not depend on whether or not the latest piece of flesh filling my current void would call and make me feel alive again.  Then, on January 2nd, thanks to one of these men, I had an amazing revelation.  It took me hitting absololute rock bottom to finally find this sense of clarity.  I realised that the happiness I have been seeking for so long can only be found within myself.  That it isn't whether or not there will be a second date that will bring me happiness, it is my own sense of self-worth.  It's the accomplishments that I achieve every day.  It's re-teaching myself piano, learning new things, taking pictures and writing that are going to make me find myself again, love myself.  It's going to be every time I watch the waves crash in on the beach and every time I surprise myself with something new.  It's going to be every time I make myself smile, every time I feel proud and every time I look around and appreciate everything I have, everything I've become.  It's going to be looking in the mirror and loving what I see, inside and out that's going to bring me joy, not the physical affection of empty eyes and promises.    So today I vow to never lose myself again.  To believe that I can make it through anything because I am who I am and can be even more.  I vow to never lose hope, to never forget how far I've come, to savour the moments that make me happy.  To appreciate the people who do love me, to know that I don't always need a plan, that I will make it because I always have, because I'm strong and because I have rediscovered who I am.  That my happiness and peace comes from within and no one else can give that to me.  That as long as I know that I'm okay, everything else will follow.  Because I believe it will and no longer feel like I need to seek it out.  That I don't need to make my life happen, because it will on its own.  I wish I could thank you.  For the very short time you were in my life, you gave me the greatest gift of all.  It took you truly, truly breaking my heart to really find myself again.  I want to thank you because you have given me a new beginning and even though you'll never know this, I promise to never lose myself again.   Always, A. 1/ read signals

Ugh > [January 04, 2010] unsentletters [shade_creek] [ mood | angry ] [ music | Neighbor's Washer ] Dear Boyfriend, What the fuck? Friday you tell me that if I 'move back to H-town' I should just consider us broken up, regardless of if we even talk about that beforehand. Ignoring the fact that if I were to move back, it would be at the end of July, I don't see how you can expect me to be 'okay' with you right after that. I mean, I can understand not wanting to try long distance, perhaps not happily, but I do understand it. What gets to me is the fact that you wouldn't even give me the courtesy of closure beforehand, even more so the reason behind it - 'It was never given to me, so why should I give it to anyone else!' Aside from being pretty childish, your previous relationships were more fuck buddies, or mutually using each other than anything from all that I've heard, so they aren't exactly the best thing to base something like that off of. Since our relationship is better than those, at the very least on your end, I'd like to think that you'd at least grant me that courtesy...and not punish me for what other people have done to you. I know that last sentence might sound a bit arrogant, but it's based off of what your friends have said, and I don't see how lying about that would benefit them. To add to it all, I have put up with a lot of shit from you. I admit, I'm not always the easiest person to be around, but considering some of the stunts you've pulled, you really have no room to argue. You've lied an ungodly number of times, and about stupid shit as well. For example, you lied about how often you talk to this female friend of yours. 'I only talk to her every few months' when it's every month. Frankly, I wouldn't have cared if you had been upfront and said that. The response would have been something along the lines of 'okay, cool, moving on', the fact you lied about it is what made it somewhat suspect. The fact you told me about it at 3 am, didn't exactly help either. The lying aside, you probably know that calling someone less than 30 minutes before your supposed to meet up with them to cancel isn't exactly the best idea around. Granted, if an emergency comes up, there isn't much you can do, but none of the times you've done it have been *emergencies*. It's usually 'hey, family dinner and I found my Cousin/Uncle will be there, talk later, bye!' That irritates me, and it's something I've asked you to try to avoid, or at least give me more warning, multiple times. Also, maybe it's me being pushy, but the fact that I've asked you to actually *tell me* when I look good, or at least stop being surprised and angry when I can't tell would be nice. I mean, between your depression and alcohol consumption, your sex drive isn't around much anymore, and since you *never* compliment me, it really is hard to tell if you still find me attractive. I know you aren't cheating, you don't leave the house enough for that [and when you do leave, it's either me or your mother dragging you out], but stiil...It would be nice if you would either actually show some attraction, or stop being startled/angry when I have to ask. I do try to be understanding about your depression, but...well...I have my limits, and you are starting to push them. Not just in the depression department either. I have given a lot in this relationship, and not necessarily small things either. For example. I've had to, as yet, give up my desire for kids if I stay with you, my desire to travel a lot of places, amongst other things, and now your giving me an ultimatum about moving back to my home town. Never mind the cost of living is a lot cheaper, and I could get a much better job there. Against all that, all I can honestly say you've given is some free food, and time. I would say emotional involvement, but frankly if you are willing to end our relationship without actually *ending* it [and if your willing to leave it at 'assume we are' and acknowledge you would never actually contact me to confirm it, it's left at an assumption, not an end], I have to question exactly how 'involved' your emotions are. Maybe this is sounding like I'm trying to say 'I would be better off without you'. I'm not trying to come off that way, but I wouldn't deny that the thought has crossed my mind several times before, and that other people, including your best friend I might add, have said as much. I also admit that I've seriously thought about leaving you, and still do when you pull some new lie, or, in this case, the whole thing about moving back to H-town. The thing is I do care about you...and you do scare me. A lot. You have a very bad 'temper' as you put it, but when you can admit that you fantasize about killing people, and admit that if you could get away with it, or just get mad enough, would, I'm not sure if it's still called 'temper'. I think the right word[s] might be closer to rage, or anger problems. It's because of that temper that you scare me, I worry that if I tried to leave you that you would come after me, and hurt me. I know there are places I can get help in those situations, but it doesn't help much with the worry. Hopefully things will work out for the best. Sincerely, Nevermore 3/ read signals

[January 04, 2010] unsentletters [alex_shines_on] Dear Mum, I have to say, I was really struggling not to laugh when you were berating me for the tattoo earlier. I've had a lot of cause of complaint from you, from the big stuff (getting arrested) to the fact that I refused to pay attention to any of the subjects in school I didn't like, figuring out it wouldn't matter as long as I got to do those good subjects at A-level. Hey, guess what? I was right. So it's quite a nice change having you pissed at me for something relatively rebellious teenager-y. Even if I am 21. And have pretty much officially moved out. Love you, mum. You're great, I've annoyed you so many times in the past and I am thankful you didn't give up on me. Still, stuff like this makes me chuckle now. signals

[January 03, 2010] unsentletters [chop_stick] [ mood | sad ] [ music | The Temper Trap - Sweet Disposition | Powered by Last.fm ] M, Sorry and I don't blame you. I can't keep it up any longer. x signals

hey... [January 02, 2010] unsentletters [emokoi] [ mood | sad ] hey dad, i guess this is probably the best place to say any of this because i'll probably never, ever get the guts to tell you this to your face. not that i really could, i probably couldn't accurately translate what i want to say to you to chinese,and i doubt (no offense) that you would understand more than 70% of what i'm trying to say if its in english. so here's to a letter unsent. i know recently i have been a little more than unsupportive to you, at times completely rude, other times obnoxious and rude. i'm sorry. it's just, i'm at (probably) the prime of my adolesence, the time where everyone goes a litle crazy and defies everything and everyone. i'm sure you would be able to relate a little, you've been young too. not that i'm saying being a teenager in the turn of the decade is anything like being a teenager in the '70s or whenever you grew up. things were better then. it has always nagged me that i was being utterly disrespectful to you and i didn't like it but i'm sorry, i really can't help it. but what i feel is the saddest part is that i never actually realized you were this upset until S told me. last night. an outsider had to tell me my own father is going through a midlife crisis and i was doing nothing to help. i'm sorry, dad. i never actually wanted to be this disrespectful. i do appreciate the things you do. i appreciate that you are the one who goes and earns enough for us, your crazy spending sprees AND my grandmother. please know that i don't really mean to do this on purpose. ive always thought that you were just a little strange, that's all. your antics are annoying, yes, over the top, yes, and sometimes completely uncalled for. i tried to stay quiet about it because i felt that was te right thing to do. but now, at the height of my youth, i can't stand for it anymore. i want to rebel, and i guess the only way was to make you my target. you have enough flaws, and well, you're pretty damn stubborn. you also live in the past and you are more often than not, a rude and insensitive guy. i can accept this. but as with all people, you can only continue to do things your way to a point. i would like to say, a little regretabbly, that i feel like i'm doing this for my sisters. so one day, when they're my age, they won't have to completely shut you out because you're annoying. in any case, i'm sorry for ever yelling at you, making you worry, for probably breaking your heart a million gazillion times because not matter how you try to hide it, i know i'm your favorite. maybe that was my excuse, that it was ok because you like me the best. maybe not. every time i think about your annoying trait, i feel terrible because you're completely irreplacable. being the morbid person i am, i sometimes think how life would be if someone died or disappeared. being the emotional pisces i am, it breaks my heart to know that one day you won't be there to give me allowance money, or support in the most obscure and strange ways. i don't like that thought. i'd stop this snowball but i have no idea how. i don't like disrespecting you because first and foremost, you are my father. and fathers shouldn't be hated. especially not you. you who came here all by yourself, started your own company, breadwinner for three children, a wife, and mother-in-law. you who still cares for us no matter how much we displease you. i used to think that you were living in the past and were just stuck there. you are. life has changed, hell, you aren't even in Hong Kong anymore. i am not some stupid little elementary schooler. please stop verifying my intellegence by asking me rhetorical questions. i'm going to college next year, probably majoring in translation so you don't have to ask me if i know what [insert phrase here] is in english. really, just stop. accept that we're growing up. in my mind, that's all you have to do, really. accept the fact that it is now a new decade, and just continue being yourself. please do everyone a small favor and filter some of the assholeyness. other than that, please don't change. i'll try, from now on to stop arguing with you every time you do something stupid and uncalled for. i'll try to comply to your desires, and i'll try to be nicer to my sister. i'll try not to criticize you in my mind every time you buy something expensive or every time you fgo out and get the same thing for us to eat for the Nth time that month. i appreciate it but you have the wierdest ways of showing you care about us. sorry for being such a bitchy daughter up till now. its just i'm at the age where rules are meant to be broken and you're at the age where you realize how old you are. it just not going to work that well. please bear with it, and i will too. and i'll try, so you try too. you don't deserve to go through this thrice. you don't even deserve all this crap we put you through. i'm sorry. please just relax and stop trying to verify your position of man of the house becuase that's who you have been, are, and always will be. know that no matter what, i will still love you because you are my dad. i love you daddy, and i'm sorry. - your daughter signals

[January 02, 2010] unsentletters [molokoplus1980]   Dear... I'm a full time carer and a mother of three. I'm a good person. I'm friendly and do a lot to help people out; so I won't be vilified and demonized because I stood up for myself. I didn't have a go at you, you had a go at me first (remember?) and I stood up for myself. I could have said nothing and slagged you off behind your back like all the other people you've pissed off in the past have done, but I didn't, I confronted you to your face. Now your playing the 'drama card' for full effect and have 'left' - even though it was only me and you who argued? And your friends are trying to make me out to be some sort of hideous person. Well, all I have to say to that is I don't care what you or your friends think. If you speak to me like a piece of shit, I will retaliate. I am not so full of self loathing that I will tolerate someone speaking to me like that. Perhaps now you'll finally learn to speak to people with a modicum of respect? And now you will know not everyone is *that* desperate to be friends with you that they will tolerate your attitude problem? Anyway, that was 2009. It's now 2010. A new year, a new decade and a new start. I've moved on. No love, Me 4/ read signals

[January 02, 2010] unsentletters [alex_shines_on] Dear You, Thanks for a fantastic New Year's Eve. You are one of my best friends, and I'm so happy you're in my life, even if we don't get to see each other that often. Good luck with M - you deserve the very best. I know you've got a lot of hard work ahead of you, but I know you'll be more than equal to the task. Have a happy life :) signals

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